Friday, May 25, 2012

Despondent Disappointed Distrustful and Damn Mad

For the first time since December 30, 2011 I didn't drop my body fat percentage, nor did I remain the same, no I gained.  I'm still below 19% so I didn't increase a whole lot, but it's clear I've hit my wall, I can't out work a shitty diet.  It's all about nutrition from here on.    If I'm going to be serious about competing I need to be as solid in my diet as I am in my cardio and weight training.  Work smarter not harder.

Fuck I keep saying some version of that!

My eldest daughter Vivian and I who are both competing for the first time will go to weekly body fat analysis.  By the end of the first week of June we'll be 20 weeks out from contest.  At that point Nutter will assess where we both are and when to start THE DIET.  You can't begin to realize what it means to have her do this with me.  I couldn't do this without her support.

Even though I'm taking this journey with my daughter and I'm super happy to share this experience with her, it's always been my dream.  I'm doing this for me and nobody else.  Many times I've allowed people to interfere, and had some self sabotaging moments but NO MORE!

Okay I'm disappointed in myself, my first and hopefully last increase in body fat.  I'm in the process of shaking of this failure and turning it into a success.

I'm despondent because I continue to be unsuccessful in relationships.  Things aren't working out with my guy.  We talked before he left for his trip and now that he's back and I'm off, nothing has changed.  Granted it's been a week and I'm about the least patient person ever, but one would have thought they'd witness some shift of effort, but no, none that I recognize.

I feel like he takes me for granted.  Since I'm less busy than he, I'm therefore more available when he is ready to see me.  For the past month we haven't worked out together on Thursday, we used to work out every Thursday and Friday.  I miss that.  I don't know why that changed.  Nobody likes a rut or predictability but come on this is a healthy one filled with fun and challenges.  This is a relationship necessity.

Often I go out by myself, watch a thousand happy couples and feel single when I'm supposed to be in a relationship, one that we participate in 25% of the time.  That isn't enough, I want more.

Last night sucked ass.  My ex lying cheating boyfriend strolled in with his latest.  She seems nice enough, tried talking to me and my daughter at the gym, it's doubtful she knows who I am, whatever she's ghetto as hell.  If that man steps out of line she'll tear his shit up and rip him a new one.  I hope she gives him everything he deserves.

Okay so my China Phoenix spicy hot chicken wings with extra onions is ruined, when my drink disappeared, so did I.  My exit was stunning.  I know men were checking me out.  And as I was paying, I was asked "are you here by yourself?"


I can't believe that.

I am

And I thought, well damn, why should I be by myself, why isn't he with me?  I know why now, he was with his son at baseball practice, he coaches, but I didn't know then and was still alone later that night when normally we get together. 

Do you have a boyfriend?


Well he's a lucky man...

I smiled and agreed although in my mind I thought he doesn't realize he is so he isn't all that lucky then now is he?

I guess that explains my despondency and why I'm so damn mad! I'm in a relationship but it doesn't feel like I'm in one! 

Let's tackle distrust.  Every man I've ever been with has lied, used me and cheated, sometimes just one or two or all three at once.  At some point in your life you gotta ask, is it me?

I think it is.  I think it's because I've been too nice, too giving, too its okay or I don't mind, sure I understand don't worry about it.  Well to hell with that.  I'm in bitch mode.  From now on it's gonna be about me, starting with this competition.  If things don't work out with my guy and I don't honestly see that happening I swear there will be no man in my life until I take stage.  And if there ever will be a man in my life again he'll have to work for it.

Because I can do bad all by my damn self!

Life is too short to be anything but happy.  I need to find my happy!

Side note: I'm shit assed poor and won't be able to attend my 25th high school reunion :(

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