Sunday, April 1, 2012

It's me...

I should never have gotten married. 

Even so I don't regret that I did.  I have both of my girls because of him.

My girl's father never asked me to marry him; he simply stated we should get married.  I got pregnant a few months before I graduated college.  I waited a whole year after I had our eldest.  No ring and wasn't asked.  So how did we end up married?  To make a long story short my adopted mother planned the wedding and like sheep to the slaughter we followed and the deed was done.

I've been separated/divorced for 7 years. I haven't had one good or sustainable relationship since.

There comes a point when you've got to believe it's you and not them.

It's sad it really is I've got a laundry list of men, each soiled in their own way.
  • Married or separate or lying about it.
  • No car
  • Lives with their mother
  • Cheater
  • Liar and Cheater
  • Doesn't want a serious relationship sex only as though they're doing you the favor
  • Working on themselves so take what they're willing to give and only on their terms.
  • Schedule conflicts maybe not so much their fault but I had to toss that in.
  • All out player...  You never stood a chance!
It takes two though, so it's me too.

Maybe I'm broken.  My sister says I settle too easily perhaps she's right.  I could be unconsciously self-sabotaging my relationships and if I am I've no clue why.

While I was working out with Nutter I mentioned I was unlucky in relationships/love that or just not meeting the right ones, he tends to agree I'm not meeting the right guys.

One of my gal friends after I called myself stupid says oh honey you're not stupid, you are loving and optimistic and hopeful.

We can add jaded and zero tolerance for bullshit!

I don't buy into you haven't met the right guy yet because I don't think there's such a man out there.

I'm tired of hearing you're just not meeting guy's in the right places...

So where is the right place?

I've met some at bars, in college, mutual friends, on line and at the gym.

Someone once told me men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken and all the bad ones are handicapped.

Any man who seems really nice and willing and able to treat me like a Queen, I'm not attracted to.

I haven't cried about a guy in a long time. 

I really thought I found someone this time.

We didn't officially break up but yeah I think it's a wrap on both ends.  We had it out last weekend, last night and tonight.  He was on his way over and then decided to go back home and I should call him after I calm down.  Like bloody hell I will!  He clearly doesn't want to work on this.  Nope he'd rather run away and brush it up under the carpet and point a finger at me.

Anyway it's doubtful I will hear from him again. I guess that's best. I'm sure not going to go out of my way and contact him.  I will NOT embarrass or degrade myself in that manner.  I am NOT a desperate woman.  I KNOW my WORTH!

I'm sad though.  I'll be 44 this summer.  My girls are getting older.  In less than two years my baby will be an adult.  I don't want to be alone, but I will if I have to be.  I refuse to settle.

I shared some of how I felt with my birth mother who completely missed out on all the high school/college boyfriend drama and as a joke although she was serious in her gift sent me a book on how to find Mr. Right and another by the same author why Mr. Right can't find you.  :(

Since the end of December 2011 I've been working on myself.  I guess I'll work and focus that much harder on myself and won't have to worry about how he feels about my shrinking ass and if I'm losing too much weight. 

After all it's how I feel and what I want that really matters and I guess if it doesn't coincide with his wants and needs then we've hit the end of the road.

I deserve someone special in my life; I guess that's just me and my girls.  I'm good with that but is it so very terrible to want just a little bit more?

I just noticed the date...  I guess it's April Fools on me.

I'm such a damn fool :-/

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